Two days, in just two days, I will be alone on Christmas, alone with myself and my 17.5 year old son Isaac. Church services finish at midnight on the cusp of the Eve and the Day, the demands of my professional life gone silent for the time being, a day when I say "I plan to stay in pj's until 4pm" as a way to help local people understand NOT being with family. And there is the rub.
Living in a community with deep roots of which I am not a part, this holiday is particularly marked by sadness when my own precious family is not coming East nor me going West. Unlike the Wise Men the star does not shine. Only the dimly lit awareness of loss, abiding with this shepherd as she tends the sheep placed in her care. No easy answers come in doing this thing labeled 'being faithful to your call'. People better than me figure out the way to create families of choice while I still choose my original.
There is a line between alone and lonely, I live it almost every day not just the ones marked 'holy'. Divorce is the easy thing to blame; Wisdom, in Her beautiful way says, "No, this is the human condition until all is made whole once again. Wait, ponder, work toward your own and the earth's healing--the line is narrower all the time."
In two days, I get to say Yes once again.
I love your blog -- and this post. I'm reminded of what Annie Dillard said in "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek":
ReplyDelete"There is not a guarantee in the world. Oh your needs are guaranteed, your needs are absolutely guaranteed by the most stringent of warranties, in the plainest, truest words: knock; seek; ask. But you must read the fine print. "Not as the world giveth, give I unto you." That's the catch.
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Did you think, before you were caught, that you needed, say life? Do you think you will keep your life, or anything else you love? But no. Your needs are all met. But not as the world giveth."